Daniel Patrick Johnson (teknotus) wrote,
Daniel Patrick Johnson
teknotus

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I rember hugs

On the way to meet robo_tripper at the mall I somewhat randomly met basslinedoll who I also hadn't seen in a long time. For the first time she gave me a hug instead of kicking me. I got more hugs than usual today. Joe says he is planning on moving to Cambodia. I first heard about that on Saturday.

Most things don't stick in my mind all that clearly. I don't have the greatest of memories. I get sad when my girlfriend talks about stuff we did, and I don't have a clue what she is talking about, but she remembers it as something important, and happy. One thing I usually don't have any trouble remembering is the very first hug from a person. I remember those moments unusually clearly, or at least I can remember a lot of them. I'm having trouble remembering a few, but I think I will remember this one at the top of the escalator because I remember the kick. I know that the first time someone hugs you does not equal the first time you are friends, but I think they stick in my mind because of some association like that. Anyways. I thought people should know that about me that I remember little moments like this because I care about the people around me.

I think I should do more to show my friends I care. I want to try to visit a lot of people that I haven't seen in a while. I have been negligent in maintaining a lot of friendships. I used to be obsessive about it. I was paranoid about losing friends. I think that was the actual reason a bunch of people stopped talking to me was because I was too aggressive about it, and people got annoyed with me. I reacted by shutting myself off a lot so that I wouldn't do, or say things to annoy people to the point that they didn't want me around anymore. I think I took it too far, and I want to try being more reasonable about it. Catherine has been a big grounding force in my life. She gives me so much love that I don't feel like I have to constantly search for it in other people. It makes me feel so much more sane than I used to. Anyone who wants a visit from me let me know. I've been too shy to ask people if they would like me to swing by. I realized when Joe said he was moving away that I need to act, or I wouldn't get to see him. It is just as true that if I don't do something I won't see my other friends either.
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