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The future

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Dec. 10th, 2003 | 02:59 pm
mood: determineddetermined
music: Orbital - The Box(Part One)

How long was I in the shower? An hour... Two? The wrinkles that developed on my fingertips is a clue. I was sitting with crossed legs on the floor of the shower trying to sort everything out.

I woke up with all of my clothes on except what goes on my feet. I hadn't brushed my teeth. They tasted really bad. One of my ears hurt really bad, I couldn't hear well with it.

Last night I almost fell asleep on the phone from sheer emotional exhaustion. The ear that hurt wasn't the one against the phone. I hurt someone I love. I didn't mean to, but sometimes being honest with how you feel really stings. I feel a little like I destroyed a perfectly good person. I'm told I didn't, but it still feels like I caused so much hurt.

I really do hope all the old wounds heal with time. I'm determined to try to make everything work. Some of the feelings I have been having are completely new, and wonderful in ways I couldn't even imagine. I don't want them to go away. I have to try no matter how hard to make everything work out alright.

Then on the other side I have work to do. Lots, of work to do. To get to where I want to be in life I have work to do. So much work. I have to work harder than anything I have ever done. I am taking only one class. I have so much emotionally invested in the results of that one class. It is meant to be the start of a new direction for my whole life. I failed the last time I was in school. Not only did I fail, they kicked me out with the accusation that I wasn't even trying. I was trying as hard as I could. I dropped as many classes as they would let me, and still be a student in good standing, and even that wasn't enough. I still failed at nearly everything. Even now years later thinking about how I felt the day after everyone else graduated, and I had nothing is enough to make me cry as if someone had died.

I'm crying right now... My whole life I was told that I was something special, that I could do anything, and I couldn't even handle the normal school classes that everyone else passed. How could I possibly be special if I can't even handle what everyone else can?

So here I am. Years after the other people are already done with school, and I have started over. Going back to school none of my old classes even count towards graduation. Not even the class I am taking now counts. It is a pass/fail continuing education credit. All I get is what I learn, and an assessment of weather what I did counts for anything in life. My self esteem teeters on the edge. Finally I feel like maybe I can have a real future. For the first time in my life I really feel like I have somebody who loves me. For the first time I feel like I can actually succeed. And it feels like everything... My whole life will be determined by what I do today.

You see... My final project is due tomorrow. I need to spend all my time on that if I want to pass the class. To do that I can't be chatting with the one I love because as soon as I start talking to them I won't stop. I have a hard time stopping even to save my own health. I have to break off communications today or I will fail. But I know they need me so much today. They need me more than ever. I'm scared that if I don't dedicate my time to them today I will loose them forever. I'm scared that if I spend my time on my project I will fail anyways, and loose everything. I'm scared that I could pass, and move on to some well paying job that doesn't keep me happy, and my life could seem like a success to other people but feel meaningless.

I think that is only the beginning of what I am feeling, but I'm out of time. I have to determinedly work on everything, and just hope for the best.

<3 Daniel

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