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Am I loosing my friends?

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Nov. 26th, 2002 | 03:35 pm
mood: pessimisticpessimistic

At least once or twice a day I check my user info to find out if the number of people listing me as a friend has changed. I keep hoping the number will go up, but the reason I check is because I fear it will go down. I know of 6 names that have left that list for various reasons. One because they deleted their journal. One because what I wrote in my journal offended them, and they didn't think they could read it at work. I'm not even entirely sure why some of the other people left.

I get reactions I don't understand regularly. For example one person posted that they got an employee of the month award. I have never gotten anything like that. I congratulated them. The response I got was "Don't be a jerk". Apparently in their eyes it is not an honor at all, but something the company will give out to people it doesn't care about to pacify them.

I admit that I am not as good with people as I would like to be. I really do try. I am much better in person than over the phone, or writing. I am not good at writing. I'm much better at puzzles than an intricate art form like writing. I am terrible at telling what someones emotion is by their writing, and even worse at conveying my own. There is a short list of people I communicate with primarily over the phone. Guess what they get along with me the best.

Believe it or not I read the journal entries of everyone on my friends list. I get behind sometimes, but I don't think I have completely skipped a journal entry that wasn't something like a survey result in months. Usually I even read those. I seriously like the people on my friends list. Some I really really like. With some of my good friends I would say that I love them.

If I do something that pisses you off tell me. PLEASE!!! Don't just tell me what is pissing you off. Tell me why. I need to know or I will just keep making the same mistake over, and over again. I can take it what ever it is. I have a backbone, and a thick skin. I used to get beat up regularly. I would get attacked by my neighbors rott wieler. I didn't have a great, and happy childhood.

I keep trying to change myself. Trying to make my life better. I feel like the long line of failures I have had are pockmarked with little successes now. Sometimes I even have a little success streak. It is starting to be the case that instead of people rejecting me, beating me, never wanting to talk to me again, being the norm, it is starting to be the exception.

Interacting socially isn't something that comes naturally to me. I have to work on it. Sometimes I am even satisfied to hang out with people who use me, because I want attention so badly.

Maybe I should go call some people because chatting online just doesn't seem to be doing the trick.

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Comments {7}

toxic panacea

(no subject)

from: atroposmoirae
date: Nov. 26th, 2002 04:51 pm (UTC)

[hugs] I know exactly how you feel. Socializing with people is something that has always come *very* hard to me. I seem to be just the opposite of you though, I do much better over the internet/in writing than I do on the phone or in person. I believe that to be primarily because I have a delete key here. I honestly do obsess over wordings sometimes, in a way I can't do in person. Sometimes, more often than not lately, I feel like I just can't relate with people.

I think that this whole socialization thing could be much easier if people would just be honest. I really don't understand the point of being coy if you're mad about something.

Anyway, this ended up being a much longer comment than I'd intended. Just know that I think I know how you feel and I'm around to talk if you ever need to.

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Emotionally Scarred Girl

(no subject)

from: 041277
date: Nov. 26th, 2002 05:02 pm (UTC)

Dan I must ask: Why do you care? It's a journal. I have been mulling about the idea of taking off everyone from my list just b/c I don't really read them. I think they are drama and a lot of time I get annoyed or frustrated about something they post in thier journal. I don't want to comment but then I don't want to see it.
I used to post on a board called NW Tekno and I hate to admit it that livejournal has become a lot like that too. Don't get me wrong here. I'm not saying I don't fall pray to it but i'm slowly learning that live journal is less like a journal but more like a flame war, a dating service, and a post nudey pictures for the sake of trying to be artsy. I'm not 100% sure why I have a livejournal to be honest. I have it I guess b/c kat gave it to me and I really do enjoy keeping a log of my life. I don't go back and read what happened but I'm sure someday I will be happy that I have it. now I also must admit that I don't really know where i'm going with this comment and I'm sure someone will get thier undies in a bunch and post a flame to me saying well you do yadda yadda yadda in your journal... but i must ask why do you care if you have new friends or if people take you off... Don't messure your self worth by how many friends are on your friends list. That is simply retarded. I have people on my list that I don't even think I have read thier journal. I don't know why I don't take them off I just don't... I just skim past thier 80 million posts and look for the ones I like to read... but honestly I don't even really read all that many. i mostly just look at the pictures and take the silly quizes and post now and then when I think my 2 cents is needed.
So yeah don't worry about it.... just be you and the rest will follow suit.

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Daniel Patrick Johnson

Its not just about the friends list.

from: teknotus
date: Nov. 26th, 2002 05:15 pm (UTC)

It's not merely about the friends list. When they also block me from AIM, stop responding to emails... When they were just commenting on my journal about how good a friend I am the week before. That is a different kind of signal than saying that my posts are boring.

I just want to feel like I am getting better with people.

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from: skisungirl
date: Nov. 26th, 2002 08:51 pm (UTC)

I do know you personally and I know you try so hard. You deserve credit for all your efforts. Life has not been easy for you. Although you rub people the wrong way sometimes (including myself), I know you mean well. I would never take you off my friends list. I feel like we can always talk things out.

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I'm not going to say that everything will be ok...

from: dexter138
date: Nov. 29th, 2002 02:49 am (UTC)

because I can't garenty that. and I like to think I'm a man of my word.
but here go's a breif rant from someone you don't know. (cleares throat...checks to make sure that the mic. is on) if some one you thought was your friend aquaintence or whatever suddenly decides that they are going to leave youre friend list and block aim and all that they are probably not worth your time and sertinly not worth the energy it takes to worry about why. I used to loose sleep worrying about why so and so didn't call, come over, or whatever now I just loose sleep because I drink way to much coffee. ^-^ you sound like a good person with a huge heart and a lot of love. if social interaction is tough for you maybe you are trying to hard or in the wrong situations. if it feels to you that you are having to force it step back relax step back in and and do it, don't try. if you don't have anything to say, listen. if you do have somthing to say, say it. don't think about if it's going to sound right, are they going to get the joke catch the refereance or even understand.this may sound like a bunch of pop psychobabble bullshit but it's been working for me for quite some time now. well its time for me to consider doing what i have recently decided that I hate most SLEEP. but I hope this helps. and drop me a line if youre in the area maybe we can get a cup of coffee beer whysky whatever and talk about this more face to face or just sit and bullshit. take care and don't strain

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I understand completely.

from: superfriend
date: Dec. 2nd, 2002 01:28 pm (UTC)

I competely understand how you feel. The important thing is to look past that and try to focus on being happy.
Chin up! That's right, both chins!

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Daniel Patrick Johnson

Re: I understand completely.

from: teknotus
date: Dec. 2nd, 2002 07:41 pm (UTC)

It seems to me that you have given me similar advice in the past, mysterious stranger.

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